Between Maps and Meaning

We do not have the good fortune of being able to fast forward out of a feeling. All we can do is learn to live with it until it passes. Waiting for it to pass is no easy task. It is one that I’m currently in a battle with. This battle though has lasted over a month now, and it was over something I thought was over and done with. Not to say everything was ok, but I was certainly not where I stand now.

Over a year ago I found myself out of a 5 year relationship with someone I lived with. I find it interesting this might be one of the only times in history you get to live with someone and then have to tell them goodbye, but not because they died. I can’t imagine a breakup during the dark ages. It seems only recently we as humans have to deal with this.

You go through ups and downs of healing and what feels like hell, but along the way you realize there’s always been a light at the end of the tunnel. Once you see it, you can remind yourself when times get really dark that you’ll see it once again. I’m waiting though to still emerge from this tunnel. I want to see the light of day. Unfortunately, I don’t get to decide when all this sadness ends. I’m dying for it to end, but I won’t lie often it’s from my own doing that I end up in this darkness.

Now I’m here, hoping, or at least trying to hope that the light returns. When I see it I want to sprint like a madman for it. I know though it’s not up to me to decide when this ends. I am trying my hardest to trust God. In my heart I know in a few years this won’t matter. I’m thinking of Ecclesiastes Ch 1, our chase for desire is useless, even our chase for knowledge means nothing. The things of this world, and 99% of the things in my head mean nothing. I mean to me it means everything that’s why I’m so sad and so stuck. In the reality of being saved though, it’s silly to care. Of course even that knowledge doesn’t get me out of the situation I’m in.

I wish I wasn’t so stuck. I pray for this person often. That they might find someone and that someone will be of high standard, honor, of God, and treat this person with respect/love. I pray that for myself too but I cannot help but feel stuck. I sometimes wonder if I’m staying stuck purpose. That thought is for another day, or perhaps it’s best left hashed out in my personal journal.

I have faith that I won’t be stuck forever. God will take and place me where he needs me. I just need to be ready. Please Lord, help me to be prepared for the places you’re going to send me. Lastly for my readers which I’m stocked there’s any, should you find this relatable I encourage you to pray. Remember that there is light and times aren’t always so heavy. You will laugh, you will cry, and after enough time our spirits will help us to conquer the quarrels of this world. My ancestors did not survive civil wars, colonization, human sacrifice, and the turn of centuries for me to be defeated by the mere aching of a broken heart. Neither have yours, remember there’s a survivor in your heart. God placed us here on purpose. It’s just our time to wander the desert. We need the “old generation” to die to reach our promised land. That old generation are things in us that must change. Lord, help us all to be ready for where you’re placing us.